What I didn't Know ...

My 2024 began in peace and serenity on a beach I loved. I researched and wrote out my intentions for the year which I had never done before. I was happy, hopeful, well rested, and spiritually aligned.

On January 14, 2024, two days after returning from the beach, the life I thought I had fell apart. Two days after that, I knew “why” and the devastation was massive. Trauma is like that. My life split into before and after. January 16, 2024 was the end of my old life and the beginning of my new one.

I always thought getting sober would be the hardest thing I would ever do, but it was the foundation. The changes I made in my life, the peer support I had in place, the new, healthy coping skills I has developed over the years of recovery saved me.

I made a lot of choices in the hours, days and months ahead. I gave myself permission to fall apart and I let people see that. I told my truth. I asked for help. I found a new therapist. I saw my doctors. I accepted I would need the anti-anxiety and depression medication.  I knew it would take time. I kept it simple, one hour at a time.  I did not for one minute think a drink would help. I took every suggestion anyone gave me that had helped them during their divorce.

A funny thing happens when you speak your truth. Share the messy stuff, the hard stuff, allow people to see how much pain you are in ... you find relief and help comes from the most unexpected sources.

When I melted down in my doctor’s office because I hadn’t slept or eaten in 5 days, had arrived at my appointment late and thought they weren’t going to see me, a nurse came out and hugged me. Told me it would be okay. She said the same thing happened to her in her marriage; she told me her story.

The journey through grief, loss and trauma is not a straight path. We don’t recover in isolation; it takes a community. In my case, healing has always started with speaking my truth and finding the people that have been there, recovered and can provide support and hope.  

At the end of a year I often called a "shit show" all I see is that it became "transformation." I threw a lot of tools at this life transition and faith in something greater than myself sustained me most.  This was the year I became who I was supposed to be.  This is the year of my Reinvention.  In looking back all I see is magic.