Lifequakes

“A lifequake is a major life event that causes significant disruption and change.” Bruce Feiler, Life is in the Transitions

My 2024 began in peace and serenity on a beach I loved. I researched and wrote out my intentions for the year. I was happy, hopeful, well rested, and spiritually aligned.

On January 14, 2024, two days after returning from the beach, the life I thought I had exploded. Two days after that, I knew “why” and the devastation was massive. Trauma is like that. My life split into before and after betrayal. January 16, 2024 was the end of my old life and the beginning of my new one.

I always thought getting sober would be the hardest thing I would ever do, but it was the foundation. The changes I made in my life, the peer support I had in place, the new, healthy coping skills I had developed over the years of recovering from a fatal, progressive disease saved me.

I made a lot of choices in the hours, days and months ahead. I gave myself permission to fall apart and I let people I trusted see that. I told my truth. I asked for help. I found a new therapist. I saw my doctors. I accepted I would need the anti-anxiety and depression medication.  I accepted it would take time. I kept it simple, one hour at a time.  I took every suggestion anyone gave me that had helped them during their divorce, and the loss of their marriage.

A funny thing happens when you speak your truth. Share the messy stuff, the hard stuff, allow people to see how much pain you are in … you find relief and help comes from the most unexpected sources.

When I melted down in my doctor’s office because I hadn’t slept or eaten in 5 days, had arrived at my appointment late and thought they weren’t going to see me, a nurse came out and hugged me. Told me it would be okay. She said the same thing happened to her in her marriage; she told me her story. It gave me hope and strength when I had none.

Someone shared with me recently this statement about trauma, “It was not my fault, but it was my problem.”

Knowing, accepting and surrendering are three very different stages in recovery, at least for me. After spending a long time blaming myself for things that were not my fault, I finally accepted that when people show you who they are, believe them. Selfishness, self-centeredness, entitlement and dishonesty are dangerous and toxic character defects. The only thing I really could control or choose to do was to go to any length to heal myself.

There are no quick fixes in trauma work nor for grief and loss. It takes time, and I’m still at the beginning. As I look back at 2024, the year I called the “The Shit Show,” I now see it was an involuntary lifequake that changed the trajectory of my life. It was the year I lost the person I thought I was, the life I thought I had, and my trust was shattered. It was also an opportunity to determine my own pathway forward and live a life that truly belongs to me.

2024 was the year of my Reinvention.

If you are going through a divorce or continuing to heal from one and want to talk, please contact me.