“Other people are not responsible for your hurt feelings; they are not living by the expectations or standards you have assigned them.” Ouch, uncomfortable truth. How rude of this person, my sponsor, to pull me out of my self-pity, disappointment spiral and make me feel better.
When I was growing up … I remember hearing, “I’m sorry he/she hurt your feelings. That wasn’t nice of them. They shouldn’t have done that.” I thought, okay, great, this hurts, but it’s not my fault. They are the problem. This belief didn’t really solve anything. My feelings kept getting hurt.
Knowing, Accepting and Doing Something Different are three very distinct practices for me.
I KNOW other people do things, say things and behave entirely for their own reasons. My mistake is expecting people to be different or act in similar ways to how I would act in the situation. This never happens.
I KNOW I’m in the messy middle of multiple life disrupters; divorce, grief, new career, new identity. It’s emotional and exhausting. The majority of people do not understand. Unless you have been through the same stuff, have lived through something similar, you can’t truly empathize. My mistake is expecting people to understand and say or do something supportive.
I ACCEPT that life transitions take a lot longer than I want them to take. Life Is In The Transitons has been and is currently one of my favorite books. Five years is the most common answer Bruce Feiler’s subjects gave for how long disruptive life transitions took them. My mistake is having unrealistic expectations of myself to be completely healed and recovered from all the emotional volatility of the life disrupters I’m living through.
I ACCEPT it is not my job to know why other people do, say or behave in ways that make no sense to me. My feelings are not facts. They will not last forever. What I do with my feelings is what matters.
The narrative I tell myself is where my feelings get hurt. Whose life am I living? Is it the present one with amazing people and opportunities coming to me with ease, making me happy and aligning with my values and future? Or am I choosing to be pulled into the past and spending energy on situations that are being defined by other people’s choices?
I hold on too long to people, situations, and past pain. Way past the expiration date. In divorce, the friends, family members, acquaintances “of the couple” tend to gravitate to the person they were originally attached to in the first place. Detaching from them as soon as possible is for the best. To read more on detachment, Codependent No More is an iconic book.
What am I doing different with these feelings, thoughts, narratives? This time I talked to my sponsor, and she truly has walked thru exactly what I’m going through with my divorce and setting aside misplaced narratives and people. She understands the situation and has practical tools I can use to bring closure to some of these hurt feelings.
In the matter of about 24 hours from hearing the uncomfortable truth about my hurt feelings, and doing something different as suggested I feel neutral again and I’m back to living the life that is meant for me.
If you are navigating a life transition, I am happy to share what I have learned, offer tools, resources and steps that might help you. This journey does not have to be walked alone. Contact me.
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